ME: work in progress !
For the past few years the most significant think I would have done, would have to be putting myself through constant mental and psychological training to be a better person. It has been a fascinating journey with its many ups and downs and highs and lows.. more lows than highs.. ( no one likes to hear how pathetic you really are!!.. but that’s what u learn most times !) . I have seen tremendous changes, gone through hard challenges, tried to smile in the face of adversities, pushing myself and my very short term memory to remind me of what I have learnt.. throwing myself into living the changes and learning from them..growing..bit by bit..transforming, step by step.. its been a slow and difficult trip.
There are days where I believe that my life is glorious..that I have everything in me to make myself achieve my dreams and trust that nothing or no one can stop me now.. then there are other days, like today..where I am awake post midnight and feeling like shit !
Generally being a person who is in very high spirits and in a very positive frame of mind, I have made people believe that I have no problems at all.. so when I get down and low, everyone around me is left confused and feeling betrayed.. they have this question on their face “you cant do this to yourself and you cant do this to us . u are you ! so positive and vibrant and chirpy.. we count on you to pull us up..you cant feel like this”. Well the bad news is, I do feel like this now !
In the process of self discovery or even before that, I made mistakes, that may have left some loved ones feeling terrible and shaken..i always had my reasons to behave the way I did, but that’s another story ! Tonight I feel like a horrible person who didn’t have better sense at that point of time.. I feel a sense of disbelief and unforgiveness towards myself.. I feel uncomfortable in my own body, mind and soul. I have the thought crossing my mind that I need to get this out of my system and put things into place, but that would involve opening a can of worms.. right at this point, I don’t think I am ready for it ! not just now ! maybe someday..
We all think that we are angels and everyone around is crazy or plain stupid or impossible…I was no different, till I learnt that I was a difficult person for others around me.. I had a way to be strong and dominating and persistant, which could make the people around me uncomfortable. My argument was that I only want the best for them, or I am only trying to protect them, or I am doing this because I know better and I love them.. that was and is a fact. Trying to “protect” people from difficult situations, has always got me in major trouble..it not only snatched my peace of mind, but it also strained my relationships and make me look like the bad guy. the people in question may have swiftly moved on with life and made themselves comfortable in their organised mess, but I was always left feeling drained out and cheated.
Life has a way of bringing unfinished situations back in your face from time to time, till you receive your lesson from the experience. Most times, the reminders of the hurt come from the ones you love the most.
I learnt my lesson..i cannot live life for someone else..i cannot protect them from the things they need to learn, I cannot change their destiny, because I think I know better, I cannot be responsible for someone else’s hurt or disappointment… I cannot fix everyone’s problems- infact, I am not supposed to .I may not even be needed to solve a problem, even though I may think that the person would die without me in this situation ! I cannot be morally responsible for someone else’s failures.. but I CAN, however, control my anxiety and trust the process of life.. I can pray and wish someone well, I can be calm and helpful when needed instead of being pushy when not required . i can be attached and distanced at the same time..
Mostly I learnt that it is ok sometimes to feel like a bag of trash..tomorrow will be a better day and I will have reasons to smile..after all, I am still me- a case of ‘work in progress’.